I am bisexual.
However, I didn’t really ever put a whole lot of thought into my sexuality until I’d left school. Mostly, this was because from the age of fourteen, I’ve always had a boyfriend. There were five months between when I broke up with my first boyfriend and when I started dating my now-fiance where I was single, but I spent those months getting over that first relationship. This meant that it wasn’t until I was twenty years old that I finally applied the title of bisexual to myself.
Throughout my teens, there were definitely girls that I had crushes on. But I never thought of it like a crush, because I never really considered whether or not I liked girls and guys or just guys. I’d not ever needed to because, as I said, I always had a boyfriend. So I only really realised that these were crushes afterwards. Honestly, I just thought I really wanted to be friends with them. Or that they were very attractive.
As I write this, it’s nearing the end of Pride Month, so I thought I’d do a post about the crushes. There’s a little grey area; I mean, there definitely were some girls who I just wanted to be friends with. Friendship is, historically, as important to me as any romantic relationship. And that makes it a little bit difficult to distinguish between the feelings of please be my friend and wow, I fancy you in some cases.
But, for the most part, I know who they are. So let’s begin:
All The Girls I’ve Liked
This first one was initially one of the grey area girls because I was so young at the time. Maybe I did just want to be her friend. I was no older than six or seven. An infant still in primary school. My mum was organising my birthday party at an indoor play centre, and had asked me to tell her who I wanted to invite.
One day, we were standing in the school yard. I don’t know if it was before or after school, but there weren’t many other people there. And, standing at the foot of the steps, was a girl in the year below me. She had blonde hair and was wearing a red puffer coat and I had never spoken to her before in my life. At this point, I had already made a list and the invites had been sent. But the sight of the girl in the red coat made me want to be her friend.
I looked up at my mum, extended my arm to point and said, “I want her to come to my party.”
My mum didn’t want to invite someone I didn’t know, but I insisted. And, at the party, I made sure I introduced the girl in the red coat to my closest friends and that she was never left alone.
And that was the last time I spoke to her. I didn’t interact with her at school for some reason. I wondered, when I thought about this story, if I had actually just wanted to be her friend. But then I remembered all the times – even extending years into secondary school – that I would see her in passing and get that same swell of excitement that I had on that day. She always smiled at me, and I wondered if she remembered the time I invited her to my birthday party in primary school.
She wasn’t only my first female crush. This was the first crush I remember having on anyone, and it lasted for years.
The next, after many I’ve written off as someone who I wanted to be friends with, was already my friend, so I know it wasn’t that.
She had been part of my friendship group for a couple of years, since I started secondary school. And I think it was in Y8 that this crush developed.
That day, she was wearing her hair loose instead of her usual ponytail. I looked absently across the Music classroom and saw her grin mid-sentence at the person sitting at the desk beside her. As she looked back down the her work, her hair fell in front of her face and she gently hooked it behind her ear.
And I thought wow, she’s beautiful.
We’re not friends now. That crush only lasted a few weeks, and I didn’t speak to her again after I left school – we went on to lead different lives. But I follow her on Instagram and I still think she’s beautiful.
Then, during my GCSEs, I had my first major crush on a girl. This was one I even knew to be a crush at the time, although I never really acknowledged it. The memory of it is so strong that I almost want to use her name.
I’m not going to, but I could, because this description is about to make it blindingly obvious to her if she were ever to read this.
She was in my Drama class, and was the first person I ever personally knew to be bisexual. When asked, she would say the balance of attraction was seventy percent men and thirty percent women.
And her personality seemed to be the polar opposite of mine. I was quiet and reserved, she was loud and outgoing. She was confident, probably edging on a little bit cocky, and had a lot of strong opinions.
Opinions which I would just agree with without thinking, because this was the perfect embodiment of a schoolgirl crush. I wanted to impress her so badly, especially when we were grouped together to work on a play. I remember once, I was wearing a tank top and a push-up bra to school (not actually to impress her, I swear) and she looked at me across the Drama studio and told me that I looked hot and I felt an unexpected amount of satisfaction that she would think that.
So. Schoolgirl crush. How did I deal with that? I of course pretended to be as outgoing as she was. It probably wasn’t convincing.
After we got tired of rehearsing the play, the three of us in our little acting group would play make believe. Or “improv” would probably be a more grown-up way of describing it. Her character was always a wise time traveller who knew more about life than anyone else, mine would be the normal civilian character who she took under her wing (feat. an awful attempt at a Scottish accent), and the third member of our group would always play the ghost of a child who was murdered. I would follow her as she flew around the room making loud proclamations and inventing the adventure. (And it actually really annoyed one of my other friends that I did this).
But guess what? I didn’t speak to her after I left school, believe it or not. And I found out afterwards that she was actually closer to my now-fiance than I ever had been to her (got a good dose of jealousy out of that information).
I did see her later in life, in a bizarre visit after she messaged my fiance seemingly out of the blue when I was twenty years old. And it was strange to see her in such a different light. It was almost surreal.
Looking back, I probably wouldn’t have even wanted to date her then (sorry!) but I did fancy the pants off of her. And I still try to discreetly keep updated on her life and make sure she’s doing okay.
So, the last female crush I had in school was also a friend and also in my Drama class. I met her during the first year of my A Levels. And she became close with one of my long-time friends, and I was jealous. In fact, the jealousy was that they were close to each other. One was a crush and the other was the friendship thing.
She was tall and had long, red hair. And she was funny, which is a trait that attracts me like a magnet. She hosted parties at her house sometimes.
There isn’t really much else to say about this one. I was never particularly close to her and (shock, horror) I didn’t speak to her after school. I once saw her on the bus and she pretended not to have seen me, which at the time told me all I needed to know. The crush had lasted a few months, but had dissipated before that moment anyway.
The next was a work crush. She was from Poland, a year older than me, an inch or so shorter than me, and she had long black hair and soft facial features.
Now, I’ll admit, I didn’t like her at first. She got close to one of my other colleagues and there was some drama involving her that I now wish I had handled better. But I eventually got to know her properly, and we actually had a lot in common. I used to look forward to having shifts with her, and although this was a superficial crush because I thought she was attractive, I was genuinely upset when she left to go back to her family in Poland.
And last, but by no means least: we’ll call this a hot crush. The first and only girl I’ve ever really kissed.
So. We were already friends. We bonded over mental health issues at work (good start, right?). And basically, we used to make out on nights out.
It started out as a drunken thing but there were definitely times where we weren’t really drunk at all. But it came to an end one dramatic evening which she refers to as the time we broke up. Honestly, this was another one that I wouldn’t have wanted to date anyway (sorry sorry sorry!) and I perhaps let it go too far, which isn’t surprising in the grand scheme of things.
And we’re still friends. Like, genuinely. It was a hot crush but now it’s the friendship thing and I’m glad.
So there you go. All the girls I’ve liked. Let’s hope I don’t get called out like I did with the best friends blog post.