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A Non-Serious Post About Tea


I’m in a good mood today and I haven’t posted in a while so I thought I’d just do something a bit less serious than usual.

A little post about how I make hot drinks.

You will need:

  • cup or mug
  • teaspoon
  • kettle
  • water
  • teabag
  • milk
  • sugar
  • biscuits (optional)

How to:

  1. Fill kettle with water and flick the switch to start it boiling. (I’m sorry but boiling the water in a microwave is unacceptable.)
  2. Get your mug or cup out the the cupboard and put a teabag into it.
  3. Wait. If your kettle is anything like mine it hasn’t finished boiling yet.
  4. Pour the boiling water directly over the teabag until the cup is about 3/4 full.
  5. Add the desired amount of milk. Adding milk at this point rather than before the water makes it easier to control the strength of the tea. I go by colour (“medium” tea is a light brown-orange).
  6. When desired strength is achieved, squeeze the teabag against the inside of the cup using a teaspoon and slide it up out of the liquid. Put it in the bin (or used teabag container.)
  7. Add two heaped teaspoons of white sugar.
  8. Stir until all sugar is dissolved. I usually stir five times clockwise, five times counter clockwise, and then tap the bottom of the cup to make sure no sugar has settled.
  9. Tea should be a little too hot to drink, so make sure to absorb at least a quarter of the drink using your preferred biscuits. My favourite are rich tea biscuits but I’ve yet to find someone who doesn’t think they are the worst.
  10. Tea should now be just above drinking temperature. Enjoy overheating as you attempt to drink it faster than necessary.


You will need

  • cup or mug
  • granulated coffee
  • teaspoon
  • kettle
  • water
  • milk
  • sugar

How to:

  1. Fill kettle with water and start to boil.
  2. Get mug and put one and a half heaped teaspoons of coffee granules inside. Try not to use Nescafe because some of their coffee granules look and smell like gravy.
  3. Add desired amount of milk. I either have mine very strong or slightly weak, no in between. Strong: dark brown. Slightly weak: grey-brown. Adding milk at this point prevents the hot water from burning the granules and preserves the flavour of the coffee.
  4. Add two heaped teaspoons of sugar. If the mug is large, I sometimes add another half sugar to make up for the extra space.
  5. Meticulously stir all ingredients together. There should be no dark coffee blobs resting on top, and no sugar settled at the bottom.
  6. You now have coffee that is probably a bit too sweet.
  7. If it’s the strong kind, it’s probably also too hot but you’re going to drink it as fast as you can anyway. You’ve made it that strong to wake you up, not to enjoy it.
  8. If it’s the slightly weak kind, drink it all in the space of two minutes and then not realise that the cup is empty when you want another sip.


You will need:

  • large mug
  • tablespoon
  • hot chocolate powder
  • milk
  • microwave

How to:

  1. Pour cold milk into a mug until almost full.
  2. Read instructions on the hot chocolate powder tub.
  3. Heat the milk in a microwave for half the recommended time.
  4. Add the recommended amount of hot chocolate powder to the warm milk and stir.
  5. Add another heaped tablespoon of hot chocolate powder and stir as much as possible. The powder is unlikely to fully dissolve because the milk isn’t hot enough.
  6. Place mug back into microwave for the full recommended amount of time.
  7. Instructions usually say to take it out and stir halfway through. What you’re going to do is take it out every fifteen seconds, stir it, and have a tiny sip to see if it’s warm enough.
  8. Convince yourself that it is not warm enough when it is.
  9. Continue to heat until recommended time is up.
  10. Stir until nothing will dissolve any more. There will probably be a couple of brown blobs on the top of your drink but that’s just powder which absorbed the milk instead of dissolving.
  11. You now have a very rich mug of hot chocolate.
  12. If you’ve done it right, you probably won’t drink all of it because it’s too sickly.
  13. Leave remainder until cold and then knock it back like a shot.
  14. You will probably discover lots of gooey hot chocolate has settled at the bottom of the mug. It seems tempting at first but don’t drink/eat it. It’s grim.


You will need:

  • cup or mug
  • any kind of flavoured or green tea which comes in a bag
  • water
  • kettle
  • teaspoon
  • sugar

How to:

  1. Fill kettle with water and boil.
  2. Put teabag into cup.
  3. Pour boiling water over teabag.
  4. Once satisfied with the scent, take a sip.
  5. Green/fruit flavoured tea does not have a strong taste but you are convinced it should.
  6. Leave to brew for too long.
  7. Remove teabag.
  8. Now it’s probably too bitter so, as per instructions on teabag packet, add sugar to taste.
  9. Take a sip.
  10. Nope. Disgusting. Fucked it.
  11. Find the one person you know who likes green tea and offer it to them.

Thank you for reading my non-serious post.

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